Log in

No account? Create an account
27 September 2009 @ 05:50 pm

Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
21 May 2009 @ 02:46 am


13 October 2008 @ 02:22 pm

13 October 2008 @ 02:18 pm

05 September 2008 @ 02:13 pm
The Japanese haiku poet Basho once wrote, "Old pond / a frog jumps / the sound of water." Try writing some of your own haikus about the little things in your life. A haiku generally consists of a five-syllable line, a seven-syllable line and a second five-syllable line. You can also use any combination of ten-to-fourteen syllables.
My life/sucks a lot/tears always flow/suicide/laughter and pain/sex and drugs/music saved me then/now/and forever/used and thrown out/laughter echoes/fuck you too david evans/no one wants you either/jag off/laughs at you too/why so mean?/mom saw/dad screamed/trojans ripped to shreds/heart too/wanted acceptance/gained insults/i hate you so much/loser/taker of youth/little troll/where's your bridge?

I know this is not correct form but it popped into my mind & I had to share..
Current Location: in the hole
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
04 September 2008 @ 11:02 am

I am off to the "Oral Surgeon" in a few hours. I am getting my last 3 Wisdoms yanked outta my head. FINALLY!
I have to go to New Haven (home of the infamous Yale University) for the procedure. I am about 1 hour away give or take. I am in Bridgeport.
I love NH actually, it is an awesome city. Lots to do. Very cool place. I was about to move there a few months back. A shelter had an open bed for me but I passed it over. I have a lot of stuff & none of it was packed for travel & I had no way to even get there. Plus my kitties. What do I do with them?
I need to leave where I am at there is no doubt about that. It is unhealthy to the extreme & makes me very, very, very miserable.
I have my issues mentally & they are debilitating BUT I am more handicapped now than ever.
I have dreams & goals & wishes & plans & hopes BUT Mike does not seem to encourage one of them not a one. I guess he is jealous because he does not have dreams & goals of his own, maybe he knows deep down if I were to dump him like last months garbage I would actually accomplish these things & find I do not need him at all in my life, maybe he just is into that misery loves company deal so many rotten people seem to be into in this world of ours.
I have this feeling so deep down I even wonder if I am imagining it at times that I am still here for a reason & that I will not die until I figure it out & carry it forward.
I am NOT supposed to be alive I know this much. I have been in posistions that many have not walked away from. Yet I have-unscathed.
So many like me are HIV+ and/or HEPC+ and/or on the transplant list and/or have OD'd & not survived.
I am all clean except for HEPC. I od'd one time and that was about 2 years ago. There was a time when I was shooting 10-15 bags a day (maybe 20) smoking so much crack it would of killed anyone else yet I am still here.
Why? Why? Why?
Why are the people I was friends with dead or in prison or still on the roller coaster of getting high, going to jail, doing their bid, getting out, getting high again,going on Meth Maintence, Etc. Until they die.
I have watched my friends drop from this drug/disease in everyway possible. So many have died long before they were supposed to had they lived "normal" lives.
I used to imagine that when we were all hanging together we were not hanging waiting for our crack & dope dealer but we were in a college study group & were planning our lives after we graduate.
We were so young at the time. I started at 22 -shooting dope & my friends had started right before me (in their early 20's) I even met kids in detox that were 14 shooting dope & hooking! One young, pretty girl was 14 or 15 & her older boyfriend got her into shooting Heroin & hooking for dope money! I wished death upon this asshole! I got to be a "normal" 14 y.o. girl this sweet kid di not. I begged her to stay clean & live a normal teenager life filled with crushes & gossip & trips to the mall & giggling & writing in her diary & going to dances & joining school clubs, Etc. I hope she did....
My tummy is growling & I need brekkie before my teeth are pulled in about 2 hours. Mike screamed at me cuz I told him I was hungry. How dare I be selfish enough to want food?
That is what I meant, I am scared to be hungry or thirsty or need something. I get screamed at for needing food. I am made to feel bad because I am infringing on his time & taking away from what he was doing for some one else. He does alot of shit for these random people & it pisses me off because i seem to be second & third in line when I should be first. He even neglects himself to do for others. BUT I think he does it to play a martyr. If he can say how he  helped out all these people & get lots of "atta boys" for all of his sacrifices his day has been made if he gets no "atta boys" he is a cranky fuckhead & takes it out on me by screaming at me at the top of his lungs about every little thing that happens or that he perceives as worng.

I am the ONLY one who gets used as a verbal punching bag however, I have NOTHING he needs to make his life easier so he takes out all of his frustrations on me that he feels for the people he is basically whoring himself out to.
He needs these people to pay his bills (brother) & our landlord for other reasons so if he alienates them by verbally abusing them they withdraw their help & he can't afford that. So here I am. I do not have money to give him & when I do get it he tries his damndest to get all he can. He will bill me for a roll of paper towels! I was cleaning an apartment & he kept all these receipts to collect on when I got paid. I was being mad eto pay for a roll of papertowels, a power ade drink, a subway, Etc.
I was a little pissed cuz I did ALL the grunt work, the dirty work & he has his hand out. I was going to throw him a few bones for gas or whatever but he pulled that stunt & pissed me off. I owe him like 40$ according to him.
Out of 175$ I have to give up 40$. I was gonna throw him like 20$ or 25$ for gas but he wants every penny back for what he spent that day so whatever. He gets 450$ per week from his brother & always cries BROKE. He is out of the house ALL DAY LONG & Night too so what does he spend all that money on?
He has a hudge pickup gas guzzler truck so I know his driving aimlessley to stare at girls costs money & he eats out all the time unless he grubs a meal from our landlords home (forgetting about me all alone at home hungry with a empty fridge)
His clothes & shoes are ratty & old & ugly so it is not clothes.
I do not even care anymore to be honest but I am pissed he is trying to take my little bit of hard earned cash!
I get jobs few & far between & when I do he pulls this "I bought you the glass cleaner so you owe me" bullshit!
He gets 450$ EVERY WEEK!
He needs to get a job & stop leeching off of others. It pisses EVERYONE off big time but they allow him to do it continually.
We have not had sex in over a year & it WILL be another year without sex because I do not trust him at all.
I stay because i have nowhere else to live. I am honest about it to everyone.
Whatever love we had was lost when he started the controlling, verbal abuse bullshit. He ran away my friends & embarrases me everywhere we go with his snide comments making fun of me & my looks or weight or whatever.
He is so sick in the head & wil lnot get help. He will die a lonely old man like his dad. Another abusive alcoholic that screwed up his 2 kids beyond repair it seems!

I had to vent! 

Ciao Ciao for now! Wish me & my 3 Wisdoms a safe & speedy recovery!

Current Mood: coldcold
03 September 2008 @ 08:31 pm
If you could live forever how would you spend your time?
Current Mood: bouncybouncy
03 September 2008 @ 08:26 pm
If you had to give up one of your five senses, which could you live without?
What are the 5 senses again?
Taste, touch, smell, hear, see? 
I suppose I would pick touch. I would really miss tasting &
seeing & hearing & smelling alot more than touching. I have this weird thing
that I hate how my hands feel after they are in water for awhile like when I wash dishes or bathe. I slather the lotion on them so they feel normal again. I got goosebumps thinking about how weird & yukky they feel when they are all pruney & dried out. YUKK.
Current Mood: crappycrappy
04 August 2008 @ 01:35 pm
If you could make your own reality show, what would it be about and who would be on it?
 I have a few in mind. 

I would like to do one that follows ppl that are trying to recover from drugs & alcohol. From the time they leave rehab/detox. "Intervention"
follows them into rehab but leaves us hangin, this will show ppl how hard it truly is to pick up the pieces of life after years of drug/alcohol abuse.

The second would be kinda the same premise but for homeless ppl. The show will chronicle the day to day life of a few homeless ppl/families & their struggles to recapture what they once had & their quest to be treated with respect & dignity.

The third will be a more lighthearted one that will make ppl laugh & cry(in a good way), I want to take a bunch of pampered, spoiled "like OMG" type girls & put them in a place to live where they have to fend for themselves. They have to get jobs at places like fast food restaurants, factories, grocery stores, Etc. No fast cash jobs like stripping, Hooters, Etc. 
Then they have to live entirely off of their paychecks & not get help from anyone, like their families.  They have to take public transpo to their jobs & everywhere else even in the rain, snow, Etc. They have to live the lives of the working class poor. They also have to volunteer at a homeless shelter or at a soup kitchen, food pantry, Etc. 
They will keep video journals of their experiences & how they feel, Etc. 
They will come into the house with clothing & basic cosmetics. Nothing outrageous or what a working class poor person would not have in their homes.
No 100 pairs of 1,000$ a piece shoes, no 2,000$ hair extensions, no Mystic Tan, Etc.
BUT if they want to "splurge" with their paychecks then they can. That's the thing, they can do whatever they want with their paychecks. But- will have to face the wrath of their roomates when they do not pay their half of the electric bill or whatever. 
It is basically a "I cried when I had no shoes until I met a man with no feet" type thing.
They are used to being spoiled & pampered beyond the norm & now they will have to walk a mile in the shoes of what this country is made up of, the working class poor. The ppl they forget about or mock or chuckle at when they walk by in their Walmart's finest. Or Payless best. Or Supercuts hair do's. 
They will have to get up, go to work on a bus or train or subway, pay bills & live life like a normal person does. For their lifestyles are NOT the norm of society. 

Also I want to do one about men & women coming out of prison. They will be in a halfway house type setting & will follow the rules of their release be it on parole or probation or they finished their sentence but need help getting back on their feet again. 
It will show their day to day struggles with trying to get back into the "real world"  & how they struggle to get jobs with a bad record, how they face temptation at every turn, Etc. 
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Current Music: Hannibal Rising
There are days when I am fine. I do not think about my ED nor do I feed into it (literally & figuratively).  At times I can go hours without thinking about my next meal, food obsessing or body obsessing. It takes very little however to send me off the deep end. It is no secret I live in a pretty dysfunctional relationship. My boyfriend of 3 years is a controlling, screaming freak & his bro who lives with us likes to smoke crack 24/7 & act as if his shit don't stank & easily points out my flaws & everyone elses flaws (even the cats shed to much for his delicate sensibilities) to avoid focusing on his screwed up life. 
Life & relationships are the biggest "triggers" when one has an "issue" (HATE that word!) like ED's, addictions, Etc. 
Why ppl chose to stay in obviously unhappy situations (such as mine) can be complicated, senseless, selfish or plain old fucking stupid or all of the above. 
I know  why I stick around & I have to be a big girl & accept the consequences. It means I am unhappy, anxious & depressed. It means I feel like I can't do a GDamned thing that I want in life, it means I keep slipping back into unhealthy patterns of living, eating, being. 
It means I have to get off my ass & get out of dodge. 
I guess I'd rather stay in a chaotic situation than go back to the homeless shelter scene. I guess I would like to keep my kitties out of the shelter after I invested blood, sweat, tears & money into saving them, I guess I would love to keep all of my belongings because while I know that they are only material things  in my life I have lost everything over & over & over again & if I hear one more person tell me I can re purchase all I have to lose to leave my current living situation I will strangle them! If they will personally re purchase all of my hard earned things that ppl seem to have no problem telling you to give up then I will gladly walk out this second. 
Call it petty but I have lived the vagabond life for decades it seems & I finally have a stable home & I want to hang onto it. 
Perhaps this is as good as it gets. 

Current Mood: draineddrained