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Current Mood: 
contemplative
contemplativeLeave a comment
javagurl1
05 September 2008 @ 02:13 pm
My life/sucks a lot/tears always flow/suicide/laughter and pain/sex and drugs/music saved me then/now/and forever/used and thrown out/laughter echoes/fuck you too david evans/no one wants you either/jag off/laughs at you too/why so mean?/mom saw/dad screamed/trojans ripped to shreds/heart too/wanted acceptance/gained insults/i hate you so much/loser/taker of youth/little troll/where's your bridge?
I know this is not correct form but it popped into my mind & I had to share..
I know this is not correct form but it popped into my mind & I had to share..
Current Location: in the hole
Current Mood: 
crushed
crushed04 September 2008 @ 11:02 am
I am off to the "Oral Surgeon" in a few hours. I am getting my last 3 Wisdoms yanked outta my head. FINALLY!
I have to go to New Haven (home of the infamous Yale University) for the procedure. I am about 1 hour away give or take. I am in Bridgeport.
I love NH actually, it is an awesome city. Lots to do. Very cool place. I was about to move there a few months back. A shelter had an open bed for me but I passed it over. I have a lot of stuff & none of it was packed for travel & I had no way to even get there. Plus my kitties. What do I do with them?
I need to leave where I am at there is no doubt about that. It is unhealthy to the extreme & makes me very, very, very miserable.
I have my issues mentally & they are debilitating BUT I am more handicapped now than ever.
I have dreams & goals & wishes & plans & hopes BUT Mike does not seem to encourage one of them not a one. I guess he is jealous because he does not have dreams & goals of his own, maybe he knows deep down if I were to dump him like last months garbage I would actually accomplish these things & find I do not need him at all in my life, maybe he just is into that misery loves company deal so many rotten people seem to be into in this world of ours.
I have this feeling so deep down I even wonder if I am imagining it at times that I am still here for a reason & that I will not die until I figure it out & carry it forward.
I am NOT supposed to be alive I know this much. I have been in posistions that many have not walked away from. Yet I have-unscathed.
So many like me are HIV+ and/or HEPC+ and/or on the transplant list and/or have OD'd & not survived.
I am all clean except for HEPC. I od'd one time and that was about 2 years ago. There was a time when I was shooting 10-15 bags a day (maybe 20) smoking so much crack it would of killed anyone else yet I am still here.
Why? Why? Why?
Why are the people I was friends with dead or in prison or still on the roller coaster of getting high, going to jail, doing their bid, getting out, getting high again,going on Meth Maintence, Etc. Until they die.
I have watched my friends drop from this drug/disease in everyway possible. So many have died long before they were supposed to had they lived "normal" lives.
I used to imagine that when we were all hanging together we were not hanging waiting for our crack & dope dealer but we were in a college study group & were planning our lives after we graduate.
We were so young at the time. I started at 22 -shooting dope & my friends had started right before me (in their early 20's) I even met kids in detox that were 14 shooting dope & hooking! One young, pretty girl was 14 or 15 & her older boyfriend got her into shooting Heroin & hooking for dope money! I wished death upon this asshole! I got to be a "normal" 14 y.o. girl this sweet kid di not. I begged her to stay clean & live a normal teenager life filled with crushes & gossip & trips to the mall & giggling & writing in her diary & going to dances & joining school clubs, Etc. I hope she did....
My tummy is growling & I need brekkie before my teeth are pulled in about 2 hours. Mike screamed at me cuz I told him I was hungry. How dare I be selfish enough to want food?
That is what I meant, I am scared to be hungry or thirsty or need something. I get screamed at for needing food. I am made to feel bad because I am infringing on his time & taking away from what he was doing for some one else. He does alot of shit for these random people & it pisses me off because i seem to be second & third in line when I should be first. He even neglects himself to do for others. BUT I think he does it to play a martyr. If he can say how he helped out all these people & get lots of "atta boys" for all of his sacrifices his day has been made if he gets no "atta boys" he is a cranky fuckhead & takes it out on me by screaming at me at the top of his lungs about every little thing that happens or that he perceives as worng.
I am the ONLY one who gets used as a verbal punching bag however, I have NOTHING he needs to make his life easier so he takes out all of his frustrations on me that he feels for the people he is basically whoring himself out to.
He needs these people to pay his bills (brother) & our landlord for other reasons so if he alienates them by verbally abusing them they withdraw their help & he can't afford that. So here I am. I do not have money to give him & when I do get it he tries his damndest to get all he can. He will bill me for a roll of paper towels! I was cleaning an apartment & he kept all these receipts to collect on when I got paid. I was being mad eto pay for a roll of papertowels, a power ade drink, a subway, Etc.
I was a little pissed cuz I did ALL the grunt work, the dirty work & he has his hand out. I was going to throw him a few bones for gas or whatever but he pulled that stunt & pissed me off. I owe him like 40$ according to him.
Out of 175$ I have to give up 40$. I was gonna throw him like 20$ or 25$ for gas but he wants every penny back for what he spent that day so whatever. He gets 450$ per week from his brother & always cries BROKE. He is out of the house ALL DAY LONG & Night too so what does he spend all that money on?
He has a hudge pickup gas guzzler truck so I know his driving aimlessley to stare at girls costs money & he eats out all the time unless he grubs a meal from our landlords home (forgetting about me all alone at home hungry with a empty fridge)
His clothes & shoes are ratty & old & ugly so it is not clothes.
I do not even care anymore to be honest but I am pissed he is trying to take my little bit of hard earned cash!
I get jobs few & far between & when I do he pulls this "I bought you the glass cleaner so you owe me" bullshit!
He gets 450$ EVERY WEEK!
He needs to get a job & stop leeching off of others. It pisses EVERYONE off big time but they allow him to do it continually.
We have not had sex in over a year & it WILL be another year without sex because I do not trust him at all.
I stay because i have nowhere else to live. I am honest about it to everyone.
Whatever love we had was lost when he started the controlling, verbal abuse bullshit. He ran away my friends & embarrases me everywhere we go with his snide comments making fun of me & my looks or weight or whatever.
He is so sick in the head & wil lnot get help. He will die a lonely old man like his dad. Another abusive alcoholic that screwed up his 2 kids beyond repair it seems!
I had to vent!
Ciao Ciao for now! Wish me & my 3 Wisdoms a safe & speedy recovery!
Current Mood: cold
cold03 September 2008 @ 08:31 pm
bouncy03 September 2008 @ 08:26 pm
Taste, touch, smell, hear, see?
I suppose I would pick touch. I would really miss tasting &
seeing & hearing & smelling alot more than touching. I have this weird thing
that I hate how my hands feel after they are in water for awhile like when I wash dishes or bathe. I slather the lotion on them so they feel normal again. I got goosebumps thinking about how weird & yukky they feel when they are all pruney & dried out. YUKK.
Current Mood: crappy
crappy04 August 2008 @ 01:35 pm
If you could make your own reality show, what would it be about and who would be on it? Submitted By |
I would like to do one that follows ppl that are trying to recover from drugs & alcohol. From the time they leave rehab/detox. "Intervention"
follows them into rehab but leaves us hangin, this will show ppl how hard it truly is to pick up the pieces of life after years of drug/alcohol abuse.
The second would be kinda the same premise but for homeless ppl. The show will chronicle the day to day life of a few homeless ppl/families & their struggles to recapture what they once had & their quest to be treated with respect & dignity.
The third will be a more lighthearted one that will make ppl laugh & cry(in a good way), I want to take a bunch of pampered, spoiled "like OMG" type girls & put them in a place to live where they have to fend for themselves. They have to get jobs at places like fast food restaurants, factories, grocery stores, Etc. No fast cash jobs like stripping, Hooters, Etc.
Then they have to live entirely off of their paychecks & not get help from anyone, like their families. They have to take public transpo to their jobs & everywhere else even in the rain, snow, Etc. They have to live the lives of the working class poor. They also have to volunteer at a homeless shelter or at a soup kitchen, food pantry, Etc.
They will keep video journals of their experiences & how they feel, Etc.
They will come into the house with clothing & basic cosmetics. Nothing outrageous or what a working class poor person would not have in their homes.
No 100 pairs of 1,000$ a piece shoes, no 2,000$ hair extensions, no Mystic Tan, Etc.
BUT if they want to "splurge" with their paychecks then they can. That's the thing, they can do whatever they want with their paychecks. But- will have to face the wrath of their roomates when they do not pay their half of the electric bill or whatever.
It is basically a "I cried when I had no shoes until I met a man with no feet" type thing.
They are used to being spoiled & pampered beyond the norm & now they will have to walk a mile in the shoes of what this country is made up of, the working class poor. The ppl they forget about or mock or chuckle at when they walk by in their Walmart's finest. Or Payless best. Or Supercuts hair do's.
They will have to get up, go to work on a bus or train or subway, pay bills & live life like a normal person does. For their lifestyles are NOT the norm of society.
Also I want to do one about men & women coming out of prison. They will be in a halfway house type setting & will follow the rules of their release be it on parole or probation or they finished their sentence but need help getting back on their feet again.
It will show their day to day struggles with trying to get back into the "real world" & how they struggle to get jobs with a bad record, how they face temptation at every turn, Etc.
Current Location: throw ya hands in da air if youz a true playa
Current Mood: thoughtful
thoughtfulCurrent Music: Hannibal Rising
03 August 2008 @ 01:45 pm
There are days when I am fine. I do not think about my ED nor do I feed into it (literally & figuratively). At times I can go hours without thinking about my next meal, food obsessing or body obsessing. It takes very little however to send me off the deep end. It is no secret I live in a pretty dysfunctional relationship. My boyfriend of 3 years is a controlling, screaming freak & his bro who lives with us likes to smoke crack 24/7 & act as if his shit don't stank & easily points out my flaws & everyone elses flaws (even the cats shed to much for his delicate sensibilities) to avoid focusing on his screwed up life.
Life & relationships are the biggest "triggers" when one has an "issue" (HATE that word!) like ED's, addictions, Etc.
Why ppl chose to stay in obviously unhappy situations (such as mine) can be complicated, senseless, selfish or plain old fucking stupid or all of the above.
I know why I stick around & I have to be a big girl & accept the consequences. It means I am unhappy, anxious & depressed. It means I feel like I can't do a GDamned thing that I want in life, it means I keep slipping back into unhealthy patterns of living, eating, being.
It means I have to get off my ass & get out of dodge.
I guess I'd rather stay in a chaotic situation than go back to the homeless shelter scene. I guess I would like to keep my kitties out of the shelter after I invested blood, sweat, tears & money into saving them, I guess I would love to keep all of my belongings because while I know that they are only material things in my life I have lost everything over & over & over again & if I hear one more person tell me I can re purchase all I have to lose to leave my current living situation I will strangle them! If they will personally re purchase all of my hard earned things that ppl seem to have no problem telling you to give up then I will gladly walk out this second.
Call it petty but I have lived the vagabond life for decades it seems & I finally have a stable home & I want to hang onto it.
Perhaps this is as good as it gets.
Life & relationships are the biggest "triggers" when one has an "issue" (HATE that word!) like ED's, addictions, Etc.
Why ppl chose to stay in obviously unhappy situations (such as mine) can be complicated, senseless, selfish or plain old fucking stupid or all of the above.
I know why I stick around & I have to be a big girl & accept the consequences. It means I am unhappy, anxious & depressed. It means I feel like I can't do a GDamned thing that I want in life, it means I keep slipping back into unhealthy patterns of living, eating, being.
It means I have to get off my ass & get out of dodge.
I guess I'd rather stay in a chaotic situation than go back to the homeless shelter scene. I guess I would like to keep my kitties out of the shelter after I invested blood, sweat, tears & money into saving them, I guess I would love to keep all of my belongings because while I know that they are only material things in my life I have lost everything over & over & over again & if I hear one more person tell me I can re purchase all I have to lose to leave my current living situation I will strangle them! If they will personally re purchase all of my hard earned things that ppl seem to have no problem telling you to give up then I will gladly walk out this second.
Call it petty but I have lived the vagabond life for decades it seems & I finally have a stable home & I want to hang onto it.
Perhaps this is as good as it gets.
Current Location: Hungry~Hungry~Famished~Feed me~Starving~I need to eat NOW!
Current Mood: drained
drained03 August 2008 @ 12:55 pm
Some of my FAVE flix of ALL TIME are based on this question! I love it!
Watch the following movies to see how I will deal with the post apocolyptic
zombie/mutant/vampire/cannibalistic world~
Watch the following movies to see how I will deal with the post apocolyptic
zombie/mutant/vampire/cannibalistic world~
geeky03 August 2008 @ 12:20 pm
So many ppl love movies, I know I do. I am in the midst of compiling a list of all my faves. If anyone reads this & wants to add to the list with their faves then by all means do so. I want to get a list of what everyone thinks are the best fliks out there. Any movie, style, genre is welcome! You can write your fliks in or use pics of the fliks or both. When all is said & done I am going make a list of the top picks & the titles I see repeated the most throughout the journal thread & then start a group here on LJ for us movie fiends... I foolishly thought this was going to be an easy task but I had to go on the internet & look at already compiled lists to even remember some of the fliks I loved the best & I was reminded of ones I forgot about but were not unforgetable fliks to watch. When one watches so many great movies over the course of a lifetime it is normal to forget titles. The brain can only hold so much info before the new info introduced replaces it. Go ahead & cheat & don't fret if you can't remember them all off the top of your head. A lot of the fun is looking at other peoples lists on the 'net..'njoy & please contribute! Come back daily to see what has been added. Oh yeah! You can also "debate" if you disagree/agree with anothers picks. Tell us why you think 'The Devils Rejects" was one of the most brilliant horror films ever made or why you think "Van Wilder" is the funniest comedy since "Harold & Kumar".......Enjoy you crazy movie junkies you! START LISTING NOW!
Current Mood: 
accomplished
accomplished03 August 2008 @ 12:53 am
So, I watched this Lifetime Movie tonight called "Odd girl out" & this girl was being bullied cyber style & IRL too. It made me think of 8th grade when friends I had did some really rotten stuff to me. We were friends & I had to go live with my Aunt in a new town called Fairfield. I met them in the 7th grade & we stayed pals until the shit hit the fan in the 8th. My Aunt had a mental illness too, I had just come from my Dad's house after being verbally & emotionally abused my entire life. I was raw & confused & depressed & insecure. You name it I was it! Especially at the ages of like 13, 14 going through puberty plus that! WOO HOO! Needless to say I had a lot of emotional issues to contend with. My Aunt had no clue how to help me properly & would not take the advice of ppl that knew better than she did. So in her frustration she starts calling my friends parents to "vent" about me & how I am so rotten basically. Mind you my biggest crime to date was a dirty room & bad grades (undiagnosed ADD) I also sassed back when I thought she was being unreasonable.
She did not even let me nap after a long day at school, I did but she freaked like I was killing puppies in the woods in the center of a pentagram! She was weird, she would say really odd stuff to me & got jealous when she saw that I was getting close with a teacher of mine that took me to a tennis game (I loved Tennis) I met John Macenroe & Micheal Chang & got their autographs & everything & out of nowhere they vanished. Then she said I threw dirty kotex on the floor! I carried them from my bathroom to my room garbage to avoid embarrasment (I was a kid) maybe 1 dropped but that was a mistake & we had a unfixed girl cat that dragged them out of the garbage & chewed the hell outta them too. But she blamed me for them being chewed up in the hallway! I was at school for Christ sakes & why would I chew a dirty Kotex? DUH. Bitch.
Back to the calls, she whines like the victim she was not & tells them I am "troubled" & in therapy, leaving out that I was a victim of severe verbal abuse & the state took me out of my Dad's care for it. Had she bothered to shed the light of truth on it I think the parents would of had a different spin on her tales of woe is me. So LSS the parents do not want me to play with their kids & spread my "illness" to them & whatever they thought I was capable of doing. I think they thought she was tapped too & did not want to talk to her cuz they would not accept her calls anymore after awhile.
So a lot of fights broke out in the group & we went our own ways. One day I see my former BFF Cindy Nelson with lots of freckles, a Mormon too, pass out sleepover party invites to all of my & hers former group/clique. I assumed I was getting one too. Nope. So, the weekend after the sleepover I notice after 1st period ppl are looking at me, whispering, Etc. The bitch took ALL the notes I ever wrote her & highlighted the parts I wrote about other ppl (mostly the "IN" crowd) & passed them around. Not only was that bad but my other former BFF Susie "Bucky Beaver" Fry was in on it too! I had not only wrote about the "IN" crowd but I wrote personal shit about my feelings & life & father & Aunt & how they treated me & such. Serious shit a naive girl writes to her BFF at that age. My life & feelings & abuse were now public middle school fodder.
So I had the "IN" crowd saying "That was like so mean you bitch I should beat you up" of course I was like "OK do it" I never got a hair touched on my head & gave it back verbally as good as I got it!
I pointed out to them that they said worse about me & my friends so when they had the truth thrown in their faces it hurt & how do they think I felt? Then I said "You NEVER made a mistake & said something about someone you never knew to begin with that was cruel?" Shit like that.
Anytime I saw a note I ripped it out of said persons hands.
I saw Cindy & Susie & was like why? why would you do this to me for no reason?
Of course they were gutless bitches & had nothing to say at all.
Needless to say it was traumatizing! I did nothing to deserve this betrayal. Nothing. Because my sick in the fucking head Aunt wanted sympathy I got this in return.
I stuck up for them, got punished for them, loved them as sisters!
I never forgot them or what they did to me. I tried to kill myself too. It was right before Spring break this happened. I took a shitload of pills over Spring Break & lived to tell the tale.
I acted a fool in school toget kicked out so I could go somewhere new & start over. I begged my Aunt to call their mom's & tell them what happened. She thought I was being silly & blowing it out of porportion. I was being surroned by groups of people screaming at me that I was gonna die & I was gonna get my ass kicked & I was a loser & ugly & fuck me, Etc. I could not go on the bus or anything. It was so bad I wanted to die every second I endured this.
I thought I would never get over it. As I watched that movie tonight I was literally shaking with the memories of what those 2 girls did to me.
I wish I could find them now! LOL..
So that's my tale of teenaged bullying, sweet huh? No wonder I ended up a basketcase!
She did not even let me nap after a long day at school, I did but she freaked like I was killing puppies in the woods in the center of a pentagram! She was weird, she would say really odd stuff to me & got jealous when she saw that I was getting close with a teacher of mine that took me to a tennis game (I loved Tennis) I met John Macenroe & Micheal Chang & got their autographs & everything & out of nowhere they vanished. Then she said I threw dirty kotex on the floor! I carried them from my bathroom to my room garbage to avoid embarrasment (I was a kid) maybe 1 dropped but that was a mistake & we had a unfixed girl cat that dragged them out of the garbage & chewed the hell outta them too. But she blamed me for them being chewed up in the hallway! I was at school for Christ sakes & why would I chew a dirty Kotex? DUH. Bitch.
Back to the calls, she whines like the victim she was not & tells them I am "troubled" & in therapy, leaving out that I was a victim of severe verbal abuse & the state took me out of my Dad's care for it. Had she bothered to shed the light of truth on it I think the parents would of had a different spin on her tales of woe is me. So LSS the parents do not want me to play with their kids & spread my "illness" to them & whatever they thought I was capable of doing. I think they thought she was tapped too & did not want to talk to her cuz they would not accept her calls anymore after awhile.
So a lot of fights broke out in the group & we went our own ways. One day I see my former BFF Cindy Nelson with lots of freckles, a Mormon too, pass out sleepover party invites to all of my & hers former group/clique. I assumed I was getting one too. Nope. So, the weekend after the sleepover I notice after 1st period ppl are looking at me, whispering, Etc. The bitch took ALL the notes I ever wrote her & highlighted the parts I wrote about other ppl (mostly the "IN" crowd) & passed them around. Not only was that bad but my other former BFF Susie "Bucky Beaver" Fry was in on it too! I had not only wrote about the "IN" crowd but I wrote personal shit about my feelings & life & father & Aunt & how they treated me & such. Serious shit a naive girl writes to her BFF at that age. My life & feelings & abuse were now public middle school fodder.
So I had the "IN" crowd saying "That was like so mean you bitch I should beat you up" of course I was like "OK do it" I never got a hair touched on my head & gave it back verbally as good as I got it!
I pointed out to them that they said worse about me & my friends so when they had the truth thrown in their faces it hurt & how do they think I felt? Then I said "You NEVER made a mistake & said something about someone you never knew to begin with that was cruel?" Shit like that.
Anytime I saw a note I ripped it out of said persons hands.
I saw Cindy & Susie & was like why? why would you do this to me for no reason?
Of course they were gutless bitches & had nothing to say at all.
Needless to say it was traumatizing! I did nothing to deserve this betrayal. Nothing. Because my sick in the fucking head Aunt wanted sympathy I got this in return.
I stuck up for them, got punished for them, loved them as sisters!
I never forgot them or what they did to me. I tried to kill myself too. It was right before Spring break this happened. I took a shitload of pills over Spring Break & lived to tell the tale.
I acted a fool in school toget kicked out so I could go somewhere new & start over. I begged my Aunt to call their mom's & tell them what happened. She thought I was being silly & blowing it out of porportion. I was being surroned by groups of people screaming at me that I was gonna die & I was gonna get my ass kicked & I was a loser & ugly & fuck me, Etc. I could not go on the bus or anything. It was so bad I wanted to die every second I endured this.
I thought I would never get over it. As I watched that movie tonight I was literally shaking with the memories of what those 2 girls did to me.
I wish I could find them now! LOL..
So that's my tale of teenaged bullying, sweet huh? No wonder I ended up a basketcase!
02 August 2008 @ 06:35 pm
envious02 August 2008 @ 06:27 pm
02 August 2008 @ 06:13 pm
The 1st picture is Chance & Peanut. The 2nd is Simba. The 3rd is Tommy. There are a few more but I do not have the space to post all of their pics in this one entry. I will post more soon. I want to keep it exciting for everyone, keep everyone anticipating the next kitty kat pics ;)
Current Location: Watching my kitty try to attack the cursor on the screen
Current Mood: 
giddy
giddyCurrent Music: Cyrus the Virus
02 August 2008 @ 05:55 pm
Somewhere along the line I lost who I was, who I wanted to be & what I thought I was supposed to be.
Growing up with just my Father raising me I went through a lot. I was not supposed to "suffer" as I had in my young years. If it had all been different I may be in some sort of succesfull career right now with none if the pressing issues I have in my life. I may not of lived the life I had before today & I may actually love myself.
You see all alone with my Dad in our little red house in E.Norwalk & Sally (my kitty) all was not typical middle class.
My Dad for whatever reason was mentally ill. In his mental illness he was incredibly verbally abusive to me. He would go into fits of rage for no good reason. As a young, young girl I was called names that no grown woman should even be called.
I was controlled, denied, abused, humiliated, held back, stunted & more.
I wish he would of beaten me to Hell & back so someone would of taken me away years before the abuse took it's toll.
Even sexual abuse would of been picked up on in a school physical.
As it was the neighbors heard what my Dad said & did so they did not want their kids around me. As if I would taint them. It was NOT my fault. I was made to suffer however. I was the one all alone & in pain. These parents KNEW what was going down yet all they could do was tell their kids to stay away from me. Why didn't they call DCF? Why didn't they save me? Why did they only alienate me? Why was I not only abused but punished for being abused?
As early as 4th & 5th grade I remember writing in my little green velvet journal about suicide & wanting to kill my Father.
What little girl at that age should write about suicide & the death of a parent?
I did not want to kill him as much as I wanted him to leave. I wished an illness upon him that would render him voiceless forever. I wished a blow to the head to turn him into a good Daddy. I wished he would excorcise the demon in him that made him call me the ugly things he did & treat me the way he did.
I wished for many things only they never came....
Growing up with just my Father raising me I went through a lot. I was not supposed to "suffer" as I had in my young years. If it had all been different I may be in some sort of succesfull career right now with none if the pressing issues I have in my life. I may not of lived the life I had before today & I may actually love myself.
You see all alone with my Dad in our little red house in E.Norwalk & Sally (my kitty) all was not typical middle class.
My Dad for whatever reason was mentally ill. In his mental illness he was incredibly verbally abusive to me. He would go into fits of rage for no good reason. As a young, young girl I was called names that no grown woman should even be called.
I was controlled, denied, abused, humiliated, held back, stunted & more.
I wish he would of beaten me to Hell & back so someone would of taken me away years before the abuse took it's toll.
Even sexual abuse would of been picked up on in a school physical.
As it was the neighbors heard what my Dad said & did so they did not want their kids around me. As if I would taint them. It was NOT my fault. I was made to suffer however. I was the one all alone & in pain. These parents KNEW what was going down yet all they could do was tell their kids to stay away from me. Why didn't they call DCF? Why didn't they save me? Why did they only alienate me? Why was I not only abused but punished for being abused?
As early as 4th & 5th grade I remember writing in my little green velvet journal about suicide & wanting to kill my Father.
What little girl at that age should write about suicide & the death of a parent?
I did not want to kill him as much as I wanted him to leave. I wished an illness upon him that would render him voiceless forever. I wished a blow to the head to turn him into a good Daddy. I wished he would excorcise the demon in him that made him call me the ugly things he did & treat me the way he did.
I wished for many things only they never came....
02 August 2008 @ 05:45 pm
